Home

Just got home to New Jersey this morning, and I feel like I've been here for a week. The holidays are not a vacation for me. It's all about taking care of my mom and maintaining my sanity in the process. I don't envy my brother, who has sacrificed his life to take care of my mom.

My mom is both pitiable and maddening at the same time. She is older than her years, and, according to her doctor, has early stages of Parkinson's. Diseases are strange things. I'd like to think that I'm in relatively good health, so it's inconceivable to me that the easiest things in the world for me to do, like walking, can be so difficult for my mom. Sometimes I get the impression that she's just not trying anymore to live well, but just to live, and that in itself causes me no end of grief and frustration. I want her to move into an assisted living home of some kind. That way, my brother can move on with his life, and my mom can get the quality of care that she deserves. But, of course, she doesn't want to. I suppose that she's comfortable with her living conditions right now, but I also think that she fears that we'd just leave her there. That wouldn't be true, but she doesn't want to believe it. I think that it's inevitable. She must leave the house. Living in a two-story home is just untenable. She falls with regular frequency, and my brother can't be at home all the time, and I will not sacrifice my life in this way.

I know it sounds like I don't care for her, but I love her so much, and I want her to be happy. Our family is peculiar. It's hard for any of us to show emotion, and sometimes love is shown through frustration and anger. I want my mom to live as full a life as she can, and I get angry and frustrated when she refuses to do so. I want to be able to understand her condition and why she feels the way she does, but I haven't been able to do so.

I have a grief inside of me that, so far, I can only express through this blog. Simply talking out into the ether is therapy enough. Just being able to put it into concious thought is comfort enough.